Hello

I'm still breathing. Still making an ass of myself. Still appreciating the beauty in the things others call strange. Still here...

All good things are eleven

But it's not even ten yet. Can you see it, buried deep inside?

I don't know about you, but I'm quite bored. 

Bob the blob

Neither my head or body seems to fully wake up. The last couple of days have been... I don't know how to describe it. Unreal, dreamy. I feel like Bob the blob! Only less smart. (;

I hope I wake up soon.

I am naked, I have nothing left.
My bones are picked clean and riddled with regrets.
Nothing can touch me,I've nothing left to take. For I am naked, But I can never break...

Shiver me timbers!

I'm a pirate.

Weheheh

3

Third time today.

I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out.

Bling bling

I'm panicking. My hands and arms are numb. I can't breathe... I can't stop it. I'm being thrown back 5 years in time, I'm losing it. Can't do this anymore. "Ride it out", she said. Ride it out... How? Writing ramblings...

I can't go through this again.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself. The easy misconceptions of the narrow minds. I don't know who I'm trying to explain to. Other than myself.

No-one is there, and there is nothing to say...

Can someone hold me and tell me things will be alright. Just lie to me, just for a little while...

Sometimes I wish I could be just like everyone else. Find joy in the little things. Find joy in other people. Join a chatsite, it seems to be popular. Too bad people don't interest me.
There's just too few interesting people out there that's really worth the effort of talking to. "Oh my, you're so pretty and look so interesting. Maybe we can hook up?"
I don't know. I tried an old site the other day. I rememberred rather quickly why I stopped using it. People are nothing more than attention seeking pseudointellectuals. Everyone wants to be smart and pretty on the internet.
Everyone is looking for someone. No one is ever satisfied. Always looking for conformation. Are we that desperate?

In 30 minutes I've had 5 different people asking if I wanted to meet up, seeing I looked like such an interesting person...

Doesn't matter how creative you are when starting the conversation, the intent is almost always the same. Oh you sweet little minds. I do enjoy you sometimes, but please, just try to be a little more challenging to read. You try so hard to be special and unique. I'll play along. For now.

I do enjoy my little rantings. I feel a bit better now. I rode it out!

row your boat

Down, down, down we go. Sinking this ship at a very slow pace.

It's upside down. It used to be easier by night, now the darkness is failing me. It doesn't comfort anymore. It's just there and won't let me hide.

Still confused. Still lost.

I don't know who I am anymore.

Keeping up appearances and being strong for someone else is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm not sure I can do it. The mask I wear gets heavier by the minute. I don't know who's behind it anymore. It scares me. Angers me. How miserable I must be to be around. Dumb, I feel dumb.

I try to fool myself with circumstances. But I know the truth deep inside, don't know why I just don't deal with it instead of putting it off.

...I am not breathing a word. And it seems to me at times that with every passing hour another word is leaving my mind ...

As always, I just can’t cry. Not that I want to. I think...

...I have to let go of your hand. Even though I don't want to...

Cheerful as usual. Oh well, I'll pop a pill and go to sleep.

bipolar

I haven't felt so alive in years
The sun is shining down on me
My eyes are welling up with tears
Tears of joy, tears of ecstasy

Emotions I once kept concealed
Now flow freely like a river
Life's great mysteries revealed
Love's great promised delivered

I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die

The landscape rises to meet my feet
The sky descends to fill my arms
For once I finally feel complete
For once I know I can't be harmed

All I know is light and love
I feel that I could live forever
While others' troubles seem to grow
I have no problems whatsoever

I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die

The epiphany that came to fall
Finally helped me reconcile
What I felt wasn't joy at all
All this time it was just denial

I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die

Playtime

A friend took some awesome pics of me and my babe tonight. Loving this one. Thanks Jimmy, you're awezuuume!!

Tired

I just want to sleep for a hundered years, perhaps then I could wake up rested.

I need a job. Unemployment sucks.

Someone hire me!
I'm not really good at anything. I'm not very pleasant, and I'm quite lazy. Sounds like the person you're looking for? Give me a call...

Valentine’s day. What a stupid day.  Stupid days created by stupid people to do stupid things and spend stupid money.

But enough about that. Let’s talk about what’s really interesting instead. ME!

I haven’t done anything exciting or new since last post. I’m just that interesting and awesome. Oh, I did change hair colour again. Exciting, I know!

I actually had something I wanted to write about. Something that’s been nagging my mind a few days but now I’m sitting here I don’t know how to put it. 

Oh well, it might come to me later. It probably will. But for now, enjoy my hair.

Moo

Ok, after a five mins breather, I've decided to stop this shit.

Not pathetic anymore.

Bite me.

Liez

I'm lost. It's not me, I'm not the one. I don't know what I will do now.

Do you think I'm desperate?
An annoying clingy fool?

I've never been so unsure. So insecure. All the things I loathe... Sake, someone just shoot me. I can't be this pathetic, it's pathetic!!

I don't belong anywhere anymore. "An odd bird", a friend said. A wise friend.
I wish things were different. I wish I could prevent things to come, but I can't, cause It's not supposed to be me.

For the first time in years I'm actually afraid of what's gonna happen next. I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to know. I wish time would just stand still for a little while... Just a little bit longer.

I'm such a happy little pill right now. Such joy to be around it's sickening!

Fuck this.

Everyone leaves in the end...

insignificance

Insignificance. The word of today is insignificance.

I am the mistress of loneliness, my court is deserted but I do not care. The presence of people is ugly and cold and something I can neither watch nor bear.

I am insignificant. A fool, a dreamer. I still have some hope. Hope of confirmation. I feel insufficient. Unwanted.

When reality slaps me in the face I feel no pain.

I know it deep inside, yet still I hope for a different outcome.

Like a dream, or a memory that floats in this vault.  Waiting for the moment it shall be recalled by some visitor, maybe, who is seeking release from a strange kind of sadness, some unknown disease. Its symptoms are madness, caused by the music in his head, sung by an endless choir, called:
"the Voices of the Dead".

I’m not frightened, though I am falling. I just wish I wasn’t so insignificant.

I talk to rainbows

There's a million thoughts running amok in my head. And I'm not sure I can handle it much longer. 

So be WARNED! Before you start reading. This is a very long emo post, that doesn’t make much sense.

Here's the deal. I have issues, I have a disorder, I have this blog. I've been considering closing it, or at least stop writing it. Go back to the old fashioned way, writing on paper. I'm not really bothered whether people read it or not. It's not the point. Contradicting to some, I'm sure. But then again, I'm not bothered. People have opinions, and I don't care to correct them. The things I've posted aren’t very positive, I am well aware. Most things only make sense to me and me alone, and still I post it. At this moment I'm not really sure why. When I've written things, be it here or on paper, the aim has always been to try and make myself understand at a later point. I'm a very closed up person, I've never been able to share my thoughts and feelings with people. And it's been a constant troublemaker throughout. I've tried to open up, but it always makes me feel like a burden, and I hate being a burden, I refuse to be one. Even though I'm quite sure I give people headache and nervous breakdowns on a daily basis, but that's another story.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I guess what I'm trying to explain, is that to me, this is a way for me to vent. To lose some of the things bothering me. And since a blog is public, well mine are, people call me emo, due to the lack of rainbows in my posts. Fair enough I guess, but it's never been the point. I don't really consider myself emo, but perhaps I am. But then again, I've been called coldhearted more often than emo, so I’m not sure what is right. Sometimes I wish I was a total airhead, had a cute little fashion blog, posting about happiness, rainbows and other shit that makes the world go around.

The fact that I am bipolar makes every day more or less a struggle. I’m trying to deal with it best I can, but it’s hard, and it keeps getting harder. It will follow me through the rest of my life, and it will be my struggle for the rest of my life. All I can do is learn to live with it, and accept it for what it is. And I think I pretty much have. But sometimes things happen that feeds the demons living in my head, nurturing everything I’m trying to hold back. And one of my biggest fears is that one day I will lose the control.

I’m not always an emotional freak. Believe it or not, sometimes I’m a happy emotional freak. 

I was looking forward to the recent changes I’ve done in my life. I honestly believed it would work out well. Instead it turns out it has pushed me further down the negative spiral that is my life. The big issue this time is that the choices I’ve made not only affects me, I’m screwing up other people’s lives as well. I guess mommy dearest will be happy about this. Feeding her resentment towards me. Well mum, I guess you were right. Feel free to gloat and tell everyone you were right. I’ve fucked up, once again. Funny that about my mother. Even though she won’t speak to me, and resents me, it doesn’t bother me. I am honestly not bothered. Do you think that is contradictive, considering what I just wrote, and the rest of this post? It might be, but I’m not trying to fool either myself or anyone else. If someone can’t accept me for who I am, and respect my choices then they have no place in my life. I’ll feed my own negativity thank you very much. (;

Oh well, I’ve forgotten where I was going with this and what I was aiming for. I guess I even lost the point I wanted to make. But be it so! I’m quite sure it will come back to me again, maybe I’ll write it down then.

But for now, contradictive-confused-emo out.

xx

Diggerer

It's time to dig a hole, crawl in and retire now. Alcohol and me is a bad mix, that quite obviuosly makes ugly faces! And since todays anxiety isn't enough torture, I will show a picture of the ugly face of alcohol.

I'm quite certain it will scare some lost souls, and stop them from trying alcohol. I'm just that good you see. You can call me the saviour of souls... Which I guess could be considered a good deed. Since I'm pretty sure my own soul is beyond saving. Oh the poetry I make!

I'm an idiot. Now, where did I put that shovel?!

xx

Screeeewwws

New year, new flat, new life, new pieces to break...

I'm trying to keep myself together, but I'm doing a bad job. Breaking both myself and others...

Screw it all.