I talk to rainbows

There's a million thoughts running amok in my head. And I'm not sure I can handle it much longer. 

So be WARNED! Before you start reading. This is a very long emo post, that doesn’t make much sense.

Here's the deal. I have issues, I have a disorder, I have this blog. I've been considering closing it, or at least stop writing it. Go back to the old fashioned way, writing on paper. I'm not really bothered whether people read it or not. It's not the point. Contradicting to some, I'm sure. But then again, I'm not bothered. People have opinions, and I don't care to correct them. The things I've posted aren’t very positive, I am well aware. Most things only make sense to me and me alone, and still I post it. At this moment I'm not really sure why. When I've written things, be it here or on paper, the aim has always been to try and make myself understand at a later point. I'm a very closed up person, I've never been able to share my thoughts and feelings with people. And it's been a constant troublemaker throughout. I've tried to open up, but it always makes me feel like a burden, and I hate being a burden, I refuse to be one. Even though I'm quite sure I give people headache and nervous breakdowns on a daily basis, but that's another story.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I guess what I'm trying to explain, is that to me, this is a way for me to vent. To lose some of the things bothering me. And since a blog is public, well mine are, people call me emo, due to the lack of rainbows in my posts. Fair enough I guess, but it's never been the point. I don't really consider myself emo, but perhaps I am. But then again, I've been called coldhearted more often than emo, so I’m not sure what is right. Sometimes I wish I was a total airhead, had a cute little fashion blog, posting about happiness, rainbows and other shit that makes the world go around.

The fact that I am bipolar makes every day more or less a struggle. I’m trying to deal with it best I can, but it’s hard, and it keeps getting harder. It will follow me through the rest of my life, and it will be my struggle for the rest of my life. All I can do is learn to live with it, and accept it for what it is. And I think I pretty much have. But sometimes things happen that feeds the demons living in my head, nurturing everything I’m trying to hold back. And one of my biggest fears is that one day I will lose the control.

I’m not always an emotional freak. Believe it or not, sometimes I’m a happy emotional freak. 

I was looking forward to the recent changes I’ve done in my life. I honestly believed it would work out well. Instead it turns out it has pushed me further down the negative spiral that is my life. The big issue this time is that the choices I’ve made not only affects me, I’m screwing up other people’s lives as well. I guess mommy dearest will be happy about this. Feeding her resentment towards me. Well mum, I guess you were right. Feel free to gloat and tell everyone you were right. I’ve fucked up, once again. Funny that about my mother. Even though she won’t speak to me, and resents me, it doesn’t bother me. I am honestly not bothered. Do you think that is contradictive, considering what I just wrote, and the rest of this post? It might be, but I’m not trying to fool either myself or anyone else. If someone can’t accept me for who I am, and respect my choices then they have no place in my life. I’ll feed my own negativity thank you very much. (;

Oh well, I’ve forgotten where I was going with this and what I was aiming for. I guess I even lost the point I wanted to make. But be it so! I’m quite sure it will come back to me again, maybe I’ll write it down then.

But for now, contradictive-confused-emo out.

xx