There's a
million thoughts running amok in my head. And I'm not sure I can handle it much
longer.
So be
WARNED! Before you start reading. This is a very long emo post, that doesn’t
make much sense.
Here's the
deal. I have issues, I have a disorder, I have this blog. I've been considering
closing it, or at least stop writing it. Go back to the old fashioned way,
writing on paper. I'm not really bothered whether people read it or not. It's
not the point. Contradicting to some, I'm sure. But then again, I'm not
bothered. People have opinions, and I don't care to correct them. The things
I've posted aren’t very positive, I am well aware. Most things only make sense
to me and me alone, and still I post it. At this moment I'm not really sure
why. When I've written things, be it here or on paper, the aim has always been
to try and make myself understand at a later point. I'm a very closed up
person, I've never been able to share my thoughts and feelings with people. And
it's been a constant troublemaker throughout. I've tried to open up, but it
always makes me feel like a burden, and I hate being a burden, I refuse to be
one. Even though I'm quite sure I give people headache and nervous breakdowns
on a daily basis, but that's another story.
I'm not
really sure where I'm going with this. I guess what I'm trying to explain, is
that to me, this is a way for me to vent. To lose some of the things bothering
me. And since a blog is public, well mine are, people call me emo, due to the
lack of rainbows in my posts. Fair enough I guess, but it's never been the
point. I don't really consider myself emo, but perhaps I am. But then again,
I've been called coldhearted more often than emo, so I’m not sure what is
right. Sometimes I wish I was a total airhead, had a cute little fashion blog,
posting about happiness, rainbows and other shit that makes the world go
around.
The fact
that I am bipolar makes every day more or less a struggle. I’m trying to deal
with it best I can, but it’s hard, and it keeps getting harder. It will follow
me through the rest of my life, and it will be my struggle for the rest of my
life. All I can do is learn to live with it, and accept it for what it is. And
I think I pretty much have. But sometimes things happen that feeds the demons
living in my head, nurturing everything I’m trying to hold back. And one of my
biggest fears is that one day I will lose the control.
I’m not
always an emotional freak. Believe it or not, sometimes I’m a happy emotional
freak.
I was
looking forward to the recent changes I’ve done in my life. I honestly believed
it would work out well. Instead it turns out it has pushed me further down the
negative spiral that is my life. The big issue this time is that the choices I’ve
made not only affects me, I’m screwing up other people’s lives as well. I guess
mommy dearest will be happy about this. Feeding her resentment towards me. Well
mum, I guess you were right. Feel free to gloat and tell everyone you were
right. I’ve fucked up, once again. Funny that about my mother. Even though she
won’t speak to me, and resents me, it doesn’t bother me. I am honestly not
bothered. Do you think that is contradictive, considering what I just wrote,
and the rest of this post? It might be, but I’m not trying to fool either
myself or anyone else. If someone can’t accept me for who I am, and respect my
choices then they have no place in my life. I’ll feed my own negativity thank
you very much. (;
Oh well, I’ve
forgotten where I was going with this and what I was aiming for. I guess I even
lost the point I wanted to make. But be it so! I’m quite sure it will come back
to me again, maybe I’ll write it down then.
But for
now, contradictive-confused-emo out.
xx
