3

Third time today.

I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out. I can't ride it out.

Bling bling

I'm panicking. My hands and arms are numb. I can't breathe... I can't stop it. I'm being thrown back 5 years in time, I'm losing it. Can't do this anymore. "Ride it out", she said. Ride it out... How? Writing ramblings...

I can't go through this again.
I'm not feeling sorry for myself. The easy misconceptions of the narrow minds. I don't know who I'm trying to explain to. Other than myself.

No-one is there, and there is nothing to say...

Can someone hold me and tell me things will be alright. Just lie to me, just for a little while...

Sometimes I wish I could be just like everyone else. Find joy in the little things. Find joy in other people. Join a chatsite, it seems to be popular. Too bad people don't interest me.
There's just too few interesting people out there that's really worth the effort of talking to. "Oh my, you're so pretty and look so interesting. Maybe we can hook up?"
I don't know. I tried an old site the other day. I rememberred rather quickly why I stopped using it. People are nothing more than attention seeking pseudointellectuals. Everyone wants to be smart and pretty on the internet.
Everyone is looking for someone. No one is ever satisfied. Always looking for conformation. Are we that desperate?

In 30 minutes I've had 5 different people asking if I wanted to meet up, seeing I looked like such an interesting person...

Doesn't matter how creative you are when starting the conversation, the intent is almost always the same. Oh you sweet little minds. I do enjoy you sometimes, but please, just try to be a little more challenging to read. You try so hard to be special and unique. I'll play along. For now.

I do enjoy my little rantings. I feel a bit better now. I rode it out!

row your boat

Down, down, down we go. Sinking this ship at a very slow pace.

It's upside down. It used to be easier by night, now the darkness is failing me. It doesn't comfort anymore. It's just there and won't let me hide.

Still confused. Still lost.

I don't know who I am anymore.

Keeping up appearances and being strong for someone else is the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm not sure I can do it. The mask I wear gets heavier by the minute. I don't know who's behind it anymore. It scares me. Angers me. How miserable I must be to be around. Dumb, I feel dumb.

I try to fool myself with circumstances. But I know the truth deep inside, don't know why I just don't deal with it instead of putting it off.

...I am not breathing a word. And it seems to me at times that with every passing hour another word is leaving my mind ...

As always, I just can’t cry. Not that I want to. I think...

...I have to let go of your hand. Even though I don't want to...

Cheerful as usual. Oh well, I'll pop a pill and go to sleep.

bipolar

I haven't felt so alive in years
The sun is shining down on me
My eyes are welling up with tears
Tears of joy, tears of ecstasy

Emotions I once kept concealed
Now flow freely like a river
Life's great mysteries revealed
Love's great promised delivered

I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die

The landscape rises to meet my feet
The sky descends to fill my arms
For once I finally feel complete
For once I know I can't be harmed

All I know is light and love
I feel that I could live forever
While others' troubles seem to grow
I have no problems whatsoever

I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die

The epiphany that came to fall
Finally helped me reconcile
What I felt wasn't joy at all
All this time it was just denial

I hate my life I want to die
I was just pretending all this time
A mask I wear so I don't bare
My soul to the cold, harsh world out there
Try to prevail but only fail
Each time on a grander and grander scale
My life is worthless and so am I
I hate my life I want to die

Playtime

A friend took some awesome pics of me and my babe tonight. Loving this one. Thanks Jimmy, you're awezuuume!!

Tired

I just want to sleep for a hundered years, perhaps then I could wake up rested.

I need a job. Unemployment sucks.

Someone hire me!
I'm not really good at anything. I'm not very pleasant, and I'm quite lazy. Sounds like the person you're looking for? Give me a call...

Valentine’s day. What a stupid day.  Stupid days created by stupid people to do stupid things and spend stupid money.

But enough about that. Let’s talk about what’s really interesting instead. ME!

I haven’t done anything exciting or new since last post. I’m just that interesting and awesome. Oh, I did change hair colour again. Exciting, I know!

I actually had something I wanted to write about. Something that’s been nagging my mind a few days but now I’m sitting here I don’t know how to put it. 

Oh well, it might come to me later. It probably will. But for now, enjoy my hair.

Moo

Ok, after a five mins breather, I've decided to stop this shit.

Not pathetic anymore.

Bite me.

Liez

I'm lost. It's not me, I'm not the one. I don't know what I will do now.

Do you think I'm desperate?
An annoying clingy fool?

I've never been so unsure. So insecure. All the things I loathe... Sake, someone just shoot me. I can't be this pathetic, it's pathetic!!

I don't belong anywhere anymore. "An odd bird", a friend said. A wise friend.
I wish things were different. I wish I could prevent things to come, but I can't, cause It's not supposed to be me.

For the first time in years I'm actually afraid of what's gonna happen next. I don't want to close my eyes, I don't want to know. I wish time would just stand still for a little while... Just a little bit longer.

I'm such a happy little pill right now. Such joy to be around it's sickening!

Fuck this.

Everyone leaves in the end...